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Dad jokes - 28.01.2021

   humour

Here's my collection of very dubious jokes. It's getting quite long now, take a look below the fold (bumped up 10.06.2025):

How do you tell if a Yorkshireman is dyslexic? He’ll be wearing a cat flap on his head.

A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vets. The vet asks "is it a Tom?" The Yorkshireman goes "No, I brought it with me."

A man from Barnsley went to get a gold sculpture of his beloved, deceased pet dog. The worker in the shop said "Will you be wanting it eighteen carat?" He said "No, just chewing a bone."

Glaswegian walks in to a bakers, points at a cake and says, "Is that a macaroon or a meringue?" The baker says, "No you're correct. It is a macaroon."

When I was a child we were so poor we had birthday parties in a launderette. Pass the Persil was a fun game though.

My wife wanted a little peace and quiet while I cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

My friend was given a metal detector for his birthday present. He has only used it once, but he wore steel-toe-capped boots. He said: "I'm just finding my feet at the moment".

Askhole, n - one who wants advice then ignores it or complains

Just been assaulted in a health food shop! Someone threw a massive bottle of cod liver oil tablets at me.
Fortunately it's only super fish oil injuries

When one door opens another one closes. Other than that it's a pretty good car.

I used to work at a cats home, but I had to leave. They kept reducing meowers.

I just got some anti gloating cream. I can't wait to rub it in.

Nits are a terrible problem. You'd think people could get their heads together and come up with a solution.

My girlfriend just left me. She says my life revolves around football and she's sick of it.
I'm quite upset. We were together for five seasons.

I got caught stealing full stops...
I'm looking at a lengthy sentence.

I think my wife is covering my rifle collection with glue. She's denying it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

"I'm arresting you for downloading all of Wikipedia."
"Wait! I can explain everything!"

I hope that after I die, people will say: "He certainly owed me a lot of money!"

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