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"Fantasy Foshball" It's Sunday and Jimmy Fosh, Gets out of bed and has a wash, Puts on his school kit, then takes it off, Scratches his bum and has a good cough. Today is the day - the waiting is up, Because "Berg" play Southampton in the F.A. cup!! And though he is nervous and feeling quite ill, He'll be fine when he gets to the ground (Brighton Hill). At half past one the tensions' tense, And captain Jim tells his defence, "Tackle hard! - Don't let them score, Lets see a water tight back four!" The ground's full to capacity, And Jim shakes hands with Matt le T. "Lets all play fair," Says Matt to Jim, "I'll kick yer goolies!" Jim tells him. And so they start - Jim wins the toss, And soon Berg show "The Saints" who's boss, A pass, a dive, and ..........PENALTY! (Good job Jim's Dad's the referee!) But there is the most furious row, It's surely upset Ken Monkou, So Jimmy "nuts" him (in the knee), And Ken goes down in agony! "Send him off - at least a booking?" (It's a good job the referee wer'nt looking) So Jim steps up - what will occur? (Dave Beasants' knees are just a blur) Jim spins and back-heels in the goal! Off both the posts and Daves' ear'ole! Matt says "That's flash - he's burst the net! Even I ain't scored one like that yet!" But now Magilton's down the wing, Beats Stu then Kieran and crosses it in, Chris Walke is in goal - he's good and steady, But it goes straight in! - he wasn't ready! There's worse to come - they win a throw-in, A header....... a goal!!!!! (without Chris knowing!) He just didn't listen to captain Jim's call, "Don't pick yer nose when they've got the ball!" So it's 2-1 to Saints and both teams change ends, And Matt says to Jimmy, "Hey, can't we be friends?" "Here's one hundred pounds if you play like a prat!" So Jimmy thinks quickly - "I'll have some of that!" "Slip it in my shorts when no-one's looking" Jim's Dad sees him do it and gives him a booking. Matt says "That's not fair - you're just being silly." "I'm not" says Jim's Dad, "- you were touching his willy!!" And as Matt le Tissier goes red with shame, A blast of the whistle re-starts the game. Jimmy is happy - he's still got the dosh, "We're going to beat you!" says "Jimmy le Fosh." So Matt has a change of plan, "I'll mark that Foshy man-to-man," "He'll not get past, the little squirt," "And if he does I'll pull his shirt." But Jim shows Matt his "Maradona", A flick - a spin and he's a gonna! He looks and thinks, "It's not too far," Does a "Yerboah" and snaps the bar!!!!! The crowd erupt and all go crazy, (That Tiss is rubbish, far too lazy!) So Berg set up a grand finale, And Jimmy boasts - "You're crap Benali!" "I'll score a hat-trick and win the game," "Then play for England - that's my aim" "My Dad's the ref - we're bound to win," "I gave that hundred pounds to him!" So now we're deep in extra time, The fans are restless on the line, "Come on Matt le T!" shout some, "It's time for T.!" shouts Jimmy's Mum. From goalie Chris to Craig then Greg, "To Jim!!" "To Jim!!" the crowd all beg, Kieran to Stuart - the Saints' fans boo, Matthew's in space - a quick one-two, It's now with Carl out on the right, Who boots it in to Charlie White, From there it's crossed towards Jim's Dad, Who heads it forward to his lad! (Dramatic Pause) .. Jim stands there in his football boots, He traps the ball! . He turns!! . He shoots!!! . But as he swings his lace unties, And through the air his right boot flies, The keeper makes a graceful jump, And saves the footwear - what a chump!! But where's the ball? It's spinning wide! Then Lesley takes it in her stride, And with a toe poke taps it in! A goal! Full time!! Yippee!!! ..Berg win!!!!!!!!! "Hurray!" shouts Richard, "We'll win the cup!" (As Graham Souness beats him up.) So to the sound of distant thuds, Matt helps young Jim look for his studs, "Thanks Matt," says Jim, "Say, if you like," "Come back for tea and see my bike!" "I will" says Matt, because he's heard, Of Jim's Mum's famous lemon curd! (The end ..until the next round!) |