Me and my mate have

Me and my mate have just been fighting over which is the best vowel.
I won.

A new nightclub has just

A new nightclub has just opened down the road and they are offering unlimited drinks all night for just under 20 quid...
So tonight I'm gonna party like it's £19.99...

I'm planning on

I'm planning on being more spontaneous in the future.

Someone keeps adding soil

Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight. It's an absolute mystery as to why though.
The plot thickens...

It’s really difficult to find

It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay.
I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches.

I saw a poster that said

I saw a poster that said, "Breathing air in metropolitan areas can reduce your life expectancy by 2-3 years".
I would imagine that not breathing air would reduce it considerably more.

The missus just found out

The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.
She hit the roof.

Wind turbines.

Wind turbines.
I'm a big fan.

I got done for shoplifting

I got done for shoplifting in ASDA today.
I paid for six cans of Sprite at the self checkout, but when security checked my bag he discovered I'd picked seven up.

Somebody called me 'pretentious'

Somebody called me 'pretentious' the other day.
I nearly dropped my iPhone.

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