Without me, it's

Without me, it's just aweso.

I had a candlelit dinner

I had a candlelit dinner the other night.
Everything was really undercooked.

I met the bloke who

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name.
It's P something T something R.

I've put in so many shifts

I've put in so many shifts where I work recently that they've decided to fire me.
Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as it looks.

I phoned the local gym

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

I bought a new wig

I bought a new wig made from bum hair.
Damn thing keeps blowing off.

Ken Dodds dad's dogs

Ken Dodds dad's dogs dead....

That's easy for you to say.

I wonder how much deeper

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

My teacher used to say

My teacher used to say I wasn't very observant ...
...to be honest, that was his/her opinion.

Some people say i'm too vague.

Some people say i'm too vague.
But you know the famous saying...

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