Just passed a garage that said

Just passed a garage that said "Brake and Clutch Parts". So I did.
Best five minutes I've had for ages.

Has anyone thought of burning

Has anyone thought of burning the damned haysack to find the needle?

I tried to get my local chippie

I tried to get my local chippie interested in selling minnows in batter.
But he said he had bigger fish to fry.

If I had a pound for every

If I had a pound for every time someone called me a pessimist, I probably still couldn't afford anything worthwhile.

A friend of mine has been

A friend of mine has been offering me free scuba diving lessons for years now and has told me we can start next week.
I'm not going to hold my breath.

Being exposed to thermonuclear

Being exposed to thermonuclear radiation at high stratospheric altitudes with low air pressure and inadequate personal safety attire really makes my blood boil.

Never judge someone until

"Never judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes."
Unless their shoes are Crocs.

Nervous about your first

Nervous about your first ever porn shoot?
Just imagine everyone naked.

My Grandad always used to say

My Grandad always used to say "find a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck."
Which worked well for him, until he drowned in a fountain.

I remember the shouts of

I remember the shouts of "SCAB!" as my father went to work during the great dermatologists strike.

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