selected humour (?)

These jokes, quotes, and witticisms have all been parsed by my brain. They all made me smile. Your mileage may vary...

  • I used to love growing up with a dyslexic father...
    Whenever I swore, he'd wash my mouth out with soup.

  • I got caught stealing full stops...
    I'm looking at a lengthy sentence.

  • I've discovered a new bondage club in the East Midlands...
    I was tied up in Notts.

  • "Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."
    Mark Twain

  • My next song is about subtraction...
    Take it away

  • Interviewer: Now, could you describe yourself for me in 3 words?
    Me: Lazy

  • I recently gave a talk to a group of backpackers...
    They were on the edge of their seats.

  • My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli...
    A strong currant pulled him in.

  • Me and my mate have discovered that we both have a fetish for seagulls ...
    We're very civilised about it and one watches when the other's having his tern.

  • There's a gang going through our town, systematically shoplifting clothes in size order...
    The police believe they're still at large.

  • A G N B :
    That's bang out of order.

  • A couple of naked lesbians barged into the house today, and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath.
    I tried to help, but I could only knock one out.

  • Somebody called me 'pretentious' the other day.
    I nearly dropped my iPhone.

  • I got done for shoplifting in ASDA today.
    I paid for six cans of Sprite at the self checkout, but when security checked my bag he discovered I'd picked seven up.

  • Wind turbines.
    I'm a big fan.

  • The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.
    She hit the roof.

  • I saw a poster that said, "Breathing air in metropolitan areas can reduce your life expectancy by 2-3 years".
    I would imagine that not breathing air would reduce it considerably more.

  • It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay.
    I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches.

  • Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight. It's an absolute mystery as to why though.
    The plot thickens...

  • I'm planning on being more spontaneous in the future.

  • A new nightclub has just opened down the road and they are offering unlimited drinks all night for just under 20 quid...
    So tonight I'm gonna party like it's £19.99...

  • Me and my mate have just been fighting over which is the best vowel.
    I won.

  • I saw a slide with an 85 degree incline for sale the other day for £1000.
    I thought "That's a bit steep."

  • I'm very familiar with 25 letters of the alphabet.
    I don't know why.

  • I saw a sign in a car park saying "thieves want your sat nav!"
    I thought, "well they can get lost..."

  • I was tripping on some mushrooms today when I thought, "Don't they have cleaners in ASDA?"

  • I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet.
    Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "He's giving me a good run for my money."

  • So what if I can't spell armaggedon?
    It's not the end of the world.

  • I saw a sign on the road while driving today that said, "Survey crew ahead."
    I did.
    They looked okay.

  • Never get stuck behind the devil in a post office queue.
    For the devil can take many forms.

  • My wife accused me of being self-important.
    I nearly fell off my throne.

  • If anyone is thinking about buying an auto-biography, I don't want to ruin the ending for you but they write a book.

  • Some people say i'm too vague.
    But you know the famous saying...

  • My teacher used to say I wasn't very observant ...
    ...to be honest, that was his/her opinion.

  • I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

  • Ken Dodds dad's dogs dead....

    That's easy for you to say.

  • I bought a new wig made from bum hair.
    Damn thing keeps blowing off.

  • I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
    He said, "How flexible are you?"
    I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

  • I've put in so many shifts where I work recently that they've decided to fire me.
    Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as it looks.

  • I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name.
    It's P something T something R.

  • I had a candlelit dinner the other night.
    Everything was really undercooked.

  • Without me, it's just aweso.

  • I was driving down the road when I ran over some humus. A little further on, I hit taramasalata. Then I saw a road sign:
    'Caution - dips in road'

  • I'm currently reading a book about North African invaders during Medieval times and can't put it down.
    Its very moorish.

  • All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

  • Conversation with an egotist: "Well, that's enough about me, now tell me what you think about me."

  • My wife thinks I'm too nosey.
    At least, that's what she wrote in her diary and texted to all her mates.

  • My best friend came up to me yesterday and said, "This is a photo of me when I was younger."
    I replied, "Every photo is of when you were younger."

  • My wife says that I never solve my own problems.
    How do I prove her wrong?

  • I had to google "jfgi" to see what it meant.
    The irony is overwhelming.

  • The definition of irony:
    Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia - fear of long words. jfgi.

  • After a row my wife sent me a text to say I was very condescending.
    To be honest I was surprised she could spell it.

  • It's that age old question:
    How old are you?

  • I'm not posh - I'm just jolly good at polo.

  • A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
    "That depends, sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

  • "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

    Mark Twain

  • "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

    William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

  • "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
    "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

  • "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."

    Oscar Wilde

  • "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

    Groucho Marx

  • My friends say I'm too easy to please.
    I was delighted when they told me.

  • George Bush : "Suicide bombers: we are gonna find you - and we're gonna make sure you don't do it again..."

  • Is it just me, or do far too many asinine observations start off with the same four words?

  • Some say that footballers deserve their ludicrous wages, others say that soldiers deserve the money instead.
    It really makes you think, isn't there some way people who pass their GCSEs could have it?

  • My last slave died from asking rhetorical questions.

  • My new doctor is a very attractive blonde.
    I have now given up eating apples.

  • A couple of days ago I ate three lipsticks and some mascara and haven't pooed since.
    You really can't s**t this make up.

  • They say what you don't know, can't hurt you.
    Apparently not so true in the Bomb Disposal Squad.

  • Return flights.
    They take me back.

  • We all know what sesame seeds are. But just what is a sesame?

  • My gran always used to say that, "No news is good news."
    No surprise that she was soon sacked from her job as a journalist.

  • My Dad used to say: 'Always fight fire with fire'

    - and that's why he was thrown out of the fire brigade.

  • I remember the shouts of "SCAB!" as my father went to work during the great dermatologists strike.

  • My Grandad always used to say "find a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck."
    Which worked well for him, until he drowned in a fountain.

  • Nervous about your first ever porn shoot?
    Just imagine everyone naked.

  • "Never judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes."
    Unless their shoes are Crocs.

  • Being exposed to thermonuclear radiation at high stratospheric altitudes with low air pressure and inadequate personal safety attire really makes my blood boil.

  • A friend of mine has been offering me free scuba diving lessons for years now and has told me we can start next week.
    I'm not going to hold my breath.

  • If I had a pound for every time someone called me a pessimist, I probably still couldn't afford anything worthwhile.

  • I tried to get my local chippie interested in selling minnows in batter.
    But he said he had bigger fish to fry.

  • Has anyone thought of burning the damned haysack to find the needle?

  • Just passed a garage that said "Brake and Clutch Parts". So I did.
    Best five minutes I've had for ages.

  • A woman brings eight year old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
    Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
    "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

  • A family are driving behind the dustmen when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
    To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a c**k like that."

  • My daughter thought she was very funny by spelling out expletives in her alphabetti spaghetti.
    She soon ate her words.

  • My son took his first steps this morning.
    The window cleaner is furious.

  • At a recent job interview:
    "What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?"
    "Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not."
    "And your strengths?"
    "I'm Batman."

  • I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'.
    You probably saw our posters.

  • I'm wearing cowboy lingerie.....
    The silky bras are on me!

  • A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
    Three years later, there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.
    The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"

  • A man was sitting reading the paper with the TV on in background when his wife came into the room. "I just fell down the stairs, didn't you hear me?"
    "Sorry love, I thought it was Eastenders starting..."

  • I have a Dutch friend with inflatable shoes. I didn't hear from them for a few days.
    I was heartbroken when someone told me they'd popped their clogs.

  • My favourite text message to send to the missus when I'm at the pub: "I'll be there in 5 minutes... If not... read this again."

  • I have been working in a mirror factory for years now. It's what I've always seen myself doing.

  • BBC News: Hostages taken at BMW offices in London.
    When asked for updates on the hostages' safety, police said there was no indication.

  • My optician told me I was colour-blind yesterday.
    That was a bolt from the yellow.

  • I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

  • BBC News "Collider produces 'mini-Big Bang"
    So... just a bang then.

  • My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.
    She said "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a Transformer. It's stupid. I've had enough and I'm leaving you."
    I said "But Darling, I can change."

  • I was an accountant from the age of twenty to the age of thirty before I was sacked for no apparent reason.
    What a waste of fourteen years.

  • BBC News: Vatican to issue guidelines on sex abuse.
    Well, they're the experts.

  • I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan.
    Somebody is going to be wrong.

  • I'm all for the preservation of endangered animals.
    You should taste my panda jam.

  • I got really emotional this morning at the petrol station.
    Don't know why, just started filling up.

  • Epileptic Santa:
    "He seizures when you're sleeping."

  • I went to a psychiatrist last week. I felt people kept taking advantage of me.
    I'm going back tomorrow to finish decorating the surgery.

  • My girlfriend was furious with me today for using her hair straighteners.
    I didn't need to straighten my hair, I just wanted to grill one fish finger.

  • My new year's resolution is to save up enough money to buy a velcro wall.
    And I'm sticking to it!

  • Apparently the Chuckle Brothers have only just finished opening their Christmas presents.
    The labelling was once again a nightmare.

  • BBC News: Prison rioters 'must be punished.'
    If only there was a place they could be sent to where they couldn't do this sort of thing.

  • My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.
    I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

  • We formed a band called "Half Man Half Bull" and played five gigs.
    It was a minor tour.

  • My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from London zoo.

  • At my last job interview, I told my interviewer that I plan to give 110%.
    Unfortunately, I was applying to be a statistician.

  • In the pub one man pushed another and said, "Four, nine!" The other man shoved him back, saying, "Sixteen, eight-one!"
    I called to the landlord, "Call the bouncers, there's two men here squaring up."

  • Those first two guys who thought Superman was a bird or a plane...?
    What were they so excited about?

  • My girlfriend is fed up with my constant wordplay jokes. I asked her, "What can I do to stop my addiction?" She said, "Whatever means necessary."
    "No it doesn't," I said.

  • So how come Robinson's sponsor tennis and not squash?

  • I work as a waiter.
    The pay isn't great but it puts food on the table.

  • Meeting: A place where minutes are taken but hours are wasted.

  • It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realise how often they burst into flames.

  • Why did the Mafia boss cross the road?
    Revenge! The road had crossed him the week before.

  • Whenever I'm down in the dumps, I get myself some new clothes.
    They smell a bit but at least they're free.

  • I used to file my nails, but I thought: 'what's the point in keeping them?'

  • I've just met this lass who shares my fetish for flowers.
    We've come to an arrangement...

  • A woman once asked if she could cover me in ketchup and lick it all off.
    I thought,' That's a bit saucy.'

  • Just saw this sign in a camping shop window: 
    "This is the discount of our winter tent."

  • I fainted in the curry house last night when I heard REM had split up.
    That's me in the Korma...

  • So 1p has been cut from petrol?
    I don't think etrol has quite the same ring to it.

  • My wife just gave me a massive telling off for throwing a snowball at our son.
    To top it off, I've been banned from the maternity ward.

  • Some yob attacked me in the local park tonight with a bat.
    I was really impressed at how well he'd trained it.

  • Scientist - My findings are pointless when taken out of context.
    Media - Scientist claims "findings are pointless"

  • Spelling is important! The difference between won and one:
    Great Britain have just won gold.
    Australia have just one gold.

  • If anyone ever tells you they've lost their voice...
    They're lying.

  • My mate died after taking an E.
    Countdown's security staff don't mess about.

  • I'll never forget the day I met my wife. We were at a fancy dress party. She was stood there, looking gorgeous and slim, with her plump friend.
    They'd gone together, dressed as the number ten.
    I knew there and then, she was the one.

  • My dad never loved me as a child. I can't blame him really.
    I wasn't born until he was an adult.

  • I sell balloons for 10p each or if you want them blown up it's 15p.
    I've adjusted the price to allow for inflation.

  • If you're always organizing things, you have OCD. If you're always eating things, you have OBCD.

  • "I've fallen in love!"
    My drowning husband yelled to me...

  • Shouldn't the Air and Space museum be empty?

  • There was a fight in the pub quiz last night when no-one could agree the answer to this question:
    'In Paradise Lost, by John Milton, what was the Capital City of Hell?'
    It was pandemonium.

  • Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

  • People call me Mr Compromise.
    Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it.

  • A weatherman has reacted angrily to being sacked because he always gives cold gloomy forecasts.
    No more mist and ice guy.

  • So what if I can't spell armaggedon? It's not the end of the world.

  • A man goes home to his wife and shows her his latest tattoo of a spreadsheet on his chest.
    "You've really Excelled yourself this time!" she says.

  • Einstein developed a theory about space.
    It was about time too.

  • Doctor: "I am not exactly sure why you're ill. I think it could be due to alcohol."
    Patient: "That's ok. I will come back when you are sober."

  • Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One says to the other, 'Can you smell fish?'

  • The Dalai Lama walks up to an ice cream van. He asks the driver, "can you make me one with everything?"

    ...

    He hands the driver a twenty pound note, which the driver pockets.
    Lama says "Hey, where's my change?"
    Driver says "Change comes from within."

  • A man decides he wants to learn to play bass. He signs up for lessons and the first day the instructor says to him "today we're learning E." and he just plays E over and over again. THe next lesson he instructor says he'll be teaching him A and he plays A over and over again. The third lesson is D and he plays D over and over again. At the end of the lesson the instructor says "next lesson we'll learn G" but the guy replys "I can't make next lesson, I have a gig."

  • My mate rang me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?"
    I said, "Probably failing my driving test."

  • A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Wow, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''Get up there and tell him off! Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

  • There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

  • There are two types of people in the world. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

  • This man sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?". The barber looks around the shop and says "About two hours". The man leaves.
    A few days later the same man sticks his head in the door and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?". The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says "About two hours". The man leaves.
    A week later the same man sticks his head in the door and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?". The barber looks around the shop and says "About an hour and a half". The man leaves.
    The barber looks over at a friend in his shop and says "Hey Fred, follow that man and see where he goes". In a little while Fred comes back into the shop smiling to himself. The barber asks "Fred, where did he go when he left here?". Fred looks up and says "To your house".

  • An engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The air conditioning has been broken for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish and now they get hundreds of HD channels.
    One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks.
    He asks the Devil what's up?
    The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."
    "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately."
    The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him."
    God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"
    The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

  • Why are pirates?
    They just AAAARRRRRRRR !!!

  • If someone is a vegan iPhone owner who ran a marathon and rescued their pet from a shelter, how do they decide which one to casually bring up in conversation first?

  • What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
    Anyone can roast beef...

  • What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

    Tennish

  • The chief executive of Vodafone just got married. The service was okay but the reception was terrible.

  • A man walks into a pub and orders "Five double scotches!" The landlord pours them, and the man drinks all five down, one after the other.
    The landlord says "Wow - you should slow down. Why did you drink those so fast?"
    The man says, "You would drink like that too if you had what I have."
    "What do you have?"
    "50 pence."

  • A crab walks into a bar. He sits down and says "Bartender, give me a beer; however, if I do not find this beer satisfactory or if you do not bring it to me in an acceptable amount of time, I demand the beer be returned and you provide me a bottle of wine, free of charge." The bartender says "OK, but what's with the big clause?"

  • A polar bear walks into a bar, sits down and orders a "Bacardi and................................................ coke" Bartender asks, "What's with the huge pause???" Polar Bear says "Born with'em...."

  • We designed iPhone 5 to fit your hand...
    Just where your money used to be.

  • I found an iPhone on the bus today, so called the number in the contacts that said 'Home'.
    "Hello!" I said when they answered. "I've found your phone on the bus."
    "Oh, that's fantastic," the woman sighed with relief.
    "I know it is" I replied, "How do I work the camera?"

  • Double the battery life of an iPhone by putting the damned thing down.

  • My kids have come up with a game where I have to guess the first shop that pops into their heads.
    What will they think of, Next?

  • "The covers of this book are too far apart."
    Ambrose Bierce.

  • I don't like Russian dolls... they're too full of themselves.

  • "In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they would actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion."

    Carl Sagan

  • Philosophy is questions that may never be answered.... Religion is answers that may never be questioned.

  • I watched a film where a man poured meat juices all over a non-fiction book.
    It's baste on a true story.

  • Someone gave me a leaflet about anger management last week...
    I lost it.

  • A Scouser is driving through Liverpool with his dog in the passenger seat.
    A police panda car follows him for about half a mile and then puts its siren and stop sign on, indicating to him to pull over.
    As the copper approaches the car, he sees the Scouser is slapping the dog's head.
    He tells the driver to wind down his window and asks, "Why are you hitting the dog?"
    The Scouser replies, "The bloody thing just ate my tax disc."

  • How does Sean Connery shave??

    Control S

  • I tried to steal Halloween pillows from the supermarket.
    It had grim reaper cushions.

  • I slept under the car last night.

    I wanted to wake up oily.

  • Interviewer "It says on your CV that you are quick at mental arithmetic. What's seventeen times nineteen?"
    Me "Thirty-six."
    Interviewer "That's not even close."
    Me "But it was quick."

  • I bought the world's worst thesaurus the other day. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

  • I was attacked by a group of mimes.
    They did unspeakable things to me.

  • My girlfriend says she doesn't trust me.
    I guess that's just one more thing she has in common with my wife.

  • Did I tell you, someone spiked my drink with food colouring the other night?

    The doctor said I'm fine, but I feel like I dyed a little inside.

  • A quote: "The flat earth society has members all over the globe."